It’s now 10 years since my parents departed from this world and I’ve been reflecting on how my grief journey has changed over time. I woke up with the idea to write this blog a few days ago, but I dithered because doubts crept in like “why would anyone be interested?” and “is my story relevant anymore?” Therefore I took some time out to listen to my intuition and asked for some guidance from them Upstairs. It was a resounding YES: “You should write it because your observations and insights will help inspire someone else who is struggling. They may not be as far down the road as you and may feel stuck in the Grief Mire. Your story shares Hope, so make sure you write it.”
The message I want to convey here is that although Grief never leaves us, it can also springboard us to new beginnings and inspire us to find new purposes in life. It doesn’t have to be all Sadness and Darkness; it can also be Love and Light.
So here goes <gulp>:
1. Where am I with it now?
The first point that springs to mind is “Acceptance”
Acceptance that the feeling of loss is part of me and part of my everyday life. I’ve accepted to live with it, but it doesn’t get me down.
Another, which may sound strange, is “Gratitude”.
I’m very grateful I had two beautiful souls in my life that I was able to call “Mum & Dad”. I’m grateful that we had a life of so much love and joy together and for what they taught me. How lucky I am to have had parents to love and miss so much
2. How has it changed?
Well, I don’t cry as much anymore. Occasionally a song or image will cause me to catch my breath, but mostly I smile and laugh to myself as I recall happy memories. I also love to talk about my parents with their friends and our family and share our memories of them together.
There are still days when I wish I could pick up the phone and tell them about something that happened or share something that will have made them chuckle, but I also get a strong sense that they already know. I constantly see my Signs as in feathers, Puffins (Mum loved Puffins) or songs; “Here Comes The Sun”, “Return To Sender”, “The Chain”, or “The Ying Tong Song” to name but a few! These signs make me feel safe and watched over as I always seem to spot or hear them at an appropriate moment.
I guess if I was going to describe the feelings in terms of pain levels, I’ve got from Acute to Chronic as it’s never left me, it’s always there. It just doesn’t feel raw anymore, it’s a healed over wound with some scar tissue.
3. Who have I become?
This is a tough one to answer! I had to sit with this question for a few days.
Fundamentally, I haven’t changed. The character traits I always had are still there, but I think more layers have been added. I’m aware that some of my parents’ character traits show themselves from time to time too! It makes me laugh when someone says “Oh God, you’re just like your Father!” We both shared a dark sense of humour and our outlooks on life are similar, and it’s also lovely when someone says “You remind me of your Mum”, because she was very gentle but had an inner strength about her too.
First and foremost is that I’ve become much stronger and more resilient and I know that I can adapt to major change, even when I don’t think I can face it. I’ve learned that I can do remarkable things by myself (travelling and writing a book for instance) and I’ve learned that it’s okay to ask for help when I need it and that I don’t have to do everything alone.
The second most important thing (to me) is that I’m more Spiritual. Mum & Dad’s passings were the start of a Spiritual Awakening for me. I’ve learned to have faith that everything works out for me as it should, no matter how hard and painful the journey can sometimes be. The outcome is always the right one.
I saw a brilliant post on Facebook the other day, asking “Who Am I?” Unfortunately I can’t remember who wrote it or where I found it, but the author repeatedly wrote out this phrase and each time he missed a word off the end, so it went like this:
I AM WHO I AM
I AM WHO I
I AM WHO
I AM
I
I did this myself and it unlocked the following free-writing list, which came as a surprise:
I AM STRONG
I AM LOVABLE
I AM LOVING
I AM CARING
I AM BRAVE AND COURAGEOUS
I AM RESILIENT
I AM LOVE
I AM HOPEFUL
I AM A POSITIVE PERSON
I AM ABUNDANT
I AM GRATEFUL
I AM HAPPY
I AM CREATIVE
I AM AN ARTIST
I AM A REIKI HEALER
I AM AN OASIS OF CALM IN A CRAZY WORLD!
I AM…ME
I AM I
And that’s it. I still have my reservations about publishing this, but it feels like the right thing to do so I’m stepping out of my Comfort Zone and have hit Publish!
Thank you for reading my observations. I hope they may give you some comfort if you’re struggling with your own grief experiences.
Sending much love,
Wendy xx
PS My book “From Cancer To Coddiwomple – A Story of Love, Loss and Daring to Dream” is available from my website TheCoddiwompleLady.com
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