Hi there!
Spring is well and truly here and there is a sense of hope and new beginnings in the air as the days get lighter & longer and restrictions start lifting.
How are you feeling about getting out and about again after the last 12 months? After all it’s not just the shops and businesses that are opening up again…it’s us too!
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I know I’m looking forward to meeting up with friends and family, being able to look them in the eye rather than through a computer screen! I’m also looking forward to being able to Coddiwomple again in our trusty camper and explore areas of the UK that we’ve not visited before.
I’ve had a couple of conversations about this recently and amidst the excitement and anticipation of being “let out” again there appears to be some apprehension about knowing what to say to those who we haven’t seen in a while..
It’s wonderful that we are able to start mixing and meeting up again but it is also important to be prepared for the possibility of some uncomfortable conversations in the coming weeks and months. Imagine bumping into someone that you haven’t seen or spoken to for ages because they were outside your Bubble, while you’re doing you’re weekly shop in the supermarket, and they tell you they’ve lost a loved one or a good friend during the past 12 months. .
What will you say? Would you know what to say? .
It also works the other way around, you might have lost someone dear to you, but you have started to come to terms with it, but the person you’re now talking to might’ve known the person you lost but had no idea of what has happened until talking to you right now. They will need to absorb the new information, which might not be easy in the middle of Tescos!
I understand if you are thinking: “Well, it happened to my family, not theirs. It’s me who lost someone, not them…why should I worry about what they think?” I admit I have experienced this myself a few times over the years since Mum & Dad died. I’ve not been in regular contact with everyone they knew and it’s been with genuine care that I’ve been asked “how are your Mum & Dad? Not seen them for a while…”, and I’ve bluntly replied “I lost them both in 2012.” I’ve then witnessed them take a shocked, sharp intake of breath…I could’ve perhaps been more gentle! It doesn’t happen so much now, but I’m more careful about what I say when it does happen, as I don’t want to cause anyone any distress or make anyone feel awkward.
I’m not saying we should start avoiding the subjects, far from it, it’s very important to have these conversations! But what I am saying is that we could perhaps be more mindful about the words we use…
There is no Rule Book for knowing what to say, but I would recommend avoiding saying something along the lines of “I know how you feel, I felt terrible when that happened to me.” (I had that said to me too and believe me, it really doesn’t help!) We can’t possibly know how someone else is feeling; we are all different and we all process our thoughts and actions through our own Values & Beliefs, which are unique to us based on our own models of the world.
It’s easy to feel flustered and fumble around for something to say, but I would recommend trying to keep it real. Perhaps a softer way of putting it could be: “I’m so sorry for your loss, I don’t know what to say, how are you?” That gives the person the opportunity to reply in a way they feel comfortable with, i.e. it might be something like “well yesterday was a bit crap but I’m better today” or “some days are easier than others” and you could follow up by saying “I’m so sorry you’re going through this and please know that I’m here for you at any time”, or maybe send a hand-written card to let them know you are thinking of them. A handwritten note shows you have taken extra time to show them you care and makes it more meaningful. Another thing you could do is send a message or phone them up a couple of days later enquiring “how are you today?” Every day is a new page in the chapter called Grief and a call or message could come at a perfect moment. Also be prepared that you might not get an answer straight away if your friend is having one of those snotty, red-faced, leaky eyed days where they don’t want to talk to anyone; they will appreciate the thought that you have taken the time to care..
I hope this blog has provided some food for thought and if it has resonated with you and you’d like to have a chat, then please do get in touch.
Until next time, enjoy making new memories and the sunshine!
Sending much love,
Wendy xx
As well as being the author of “From Cancer To Coddiwomple – A Story of Love, Loss and Daring to Dream”, Wendy is a Life Coach specialising in Life After Loss and guiding others to live a joyful, purposeful life. You can book a FREE 30 minute Discovery Call with her by contacting her on hello@thecoddiwomplelady.com, or via her FB page The Coddiwomple Lady, or Instagram wendyj_thecoddiwomplelady, or call +44 7952 715867.